Merry Christmas!

Photo by SmoPho on Flickr.

That is if your version of a merry Christmas starts with an elbow in your crotch.

I tried to find a more flattering picture of myself from the San Antonio Roller Derby mashup bout I skated in last Sunday, but the only thing I found was that I need to lose about 30 pounds before March.  Boobies!

So Merry Christmas, indeed!

Summer is Over (in my book)

The Summer of 2011 was hell...absolute, energy-draining, soul-sucking hell. Not only because of the things everyone knows about...record-breaking heat, drought and wildfires in the wonderful state I call home...but also because of a ton of personal burdens. Today, after I completely get the Summer of 2011 off my chest, I'm walking away from it for good.

This summer started out with The Kitten attending a new daycare...for one whole week. She hated it and cried herself to sleep every single night she knew she had to go back there in the morning. Since she was traumatized and refused to try another daycare, we catered to her spoiled rottenness the rest of the summer by driving her to whatever extended family member she wished to grace with her presence or bribing her cousins to come to us. At least one of us had a great summer! I don't know of anything stronger than your worry for your child(ren) that can drag you down to a dark, dark place. Unless you have a demanding job too...

So during all that scrambling for babysitters and driving all over the northwest side of Houston, I was also dealing with work. You might recall a while ago I started talking about this big strategic project to which my very cool boss was reassigned and I would be backfilling for her in the meantime, but then as the project moved through its phases, we discovered the entire company would be reorganized and I started tweeting about how I wasn't going to have the same job (my original Business Analyst job) at the end of the six-month project. No? Well, that's your background, and all you really need to know is all that waiting and worrying over the summer came to a head when the available jobs were posted last week. I've narrowed down my five choices (although I know they will most likely place me in the job that most closely resembles the one I hold now and don't want), and now my fate is in somebody else's hands. Of course, I won't know that fate until the end of October, but like I said, I'm walking away. Letting it go, and hoping my company doesn't let me go.

Now the summer wasn't all bad. We had an awesome trip to Disney World the beginning of June. I skated in not only one but two banked track bouts. I spent a weekend with a friend I had not seen since high school. And today...today, I finally found the motivation I need to move to a better place. I start rehearsing with the rodeo choir on September 26th, and our first performance is October 15th. I bet you didn't know that Catazon was a good enough singer to try out for a choir that performs in front of, oh, a few thousand people for three weeks out of the year and actually MAKE IT! Well, you oughta know.

Summer of 2011...you can kiss my karaoke-ing ass.

I Knew I Missed My Calling

This weekend, I reached another one of my four life goals. I've played tackle football, I've played (and continue to play) roller derby, and now I've driven a stock car.

On Saturday, my husband and I each drove twenty laps at Texas Motor Speedway with the help of Team Texas Driving School.  You may recall this was my 40th birthday present from him?  Like I said before, BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!  The only way he can top this is by giving me the 40, 60, or 80 lap courses, so I can learn drafting and all those other things "a natural" should be able to do on a racetrack.  Yes, my instructor called me a natural, and I, of course, responded with "I bet you say that to all the girls".  No, what I really said was "Well, I play roller derby, so I know about timing on the track."  I could tell he thought I was crazy.  Whatever, dude.

There is no way I can describe the feeling of taking those 25° turns at 140+ MPH.  When the video comes in, we will see how many times my YEEHAWs tried to capture the moment.  Also how I would get really mad when the pros driving the people who just wanted to ride would pass me up.  None of the other people who paid to drive passed me, although I did pass quite a few of them.  It was an amazing experience, even better than skydiving to me.  I don't know what it is about going fast and turning left that gets to me, but sometimes I have to keep from quoting my favorite movie, Days of Thunder, when I think about it.  "You want to control something that's out of control? Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac."

So what's my final life goal?  Let's see if I ever get around to paying for flying lessons, now that I've discovered I really should have been a race car driver.

Diversionary Tactics

Last night, my family shared a very strange dinner. Since I had a meeting with Asia Pac at 8:30 p.m. and I usually don't get home until after 6:30 p.m., we had to find something quick to eat, especially after The Kitten threw a 15-minute fit because we weren't going to "Old Mcdonald's" or Willie's. We had decided on Mexican, and even though I don't like it, we went to the closest establishment of this type to our house.

First, we had to make somebody come take our order, and then he came back five minutes later and took it again. Not a good sign, but everything came out ok. I was almost done with my enchiladas when I saw something move in the corner of my eye, and before I could get my camera out to take a picture of the roach walking across the wall, the waiter came up and squashed it with a napkin. Okaaaay. You would have thought he could have comped our food for that, but no. While we were waiting an eternity for the check, I started hearing something that sounded like a real kitten. I kept looking around, but nobody else seemed to notice, and although my husband admitted to hearing the sound, he thought I was crazy for caring. Hello, I just shared dinner with a roach, and there is a kitten somewhere in this restaurant! Yeah, I'm crazy.

So, we never figured out where the kitten was, and we paid way too much for nausea from the unwanted dinner guests, but really I just told this story to take some of the spotlight off this interview I gave to a derby fan who posted today. Man, I'm good.

Friends with Skating Benefits

You would have thought I'd rush right out and post all the good news from last Saturday's bout, right? Well, better late than never.



My 25-point jam was described as "the biggest jam of the night." Woohoo! (That's not a picture of the jam above, but that one was fun too!)



This is also a favorite pic...besides the fact that my right ass-cheek looks awesome, I'm skating next to an old derby friend, Crash McQueen of the East Texas Bombers. I really wish I could have made it to the afterparty to spend some quality time with her. And when I put Crash in the same sentence with quality and afterparty, you should know what I mean.

Crude City won by a blowout, but it was a fun bout between two leagues who respect each other. Wish they could all be like that.

The Good, The Bad, The Derby

I've had ups and downs in derby this week.

I fumed for a couple of days over something that has annoyed me for two years: people that come at a jammer with a good block, but not good enough to take the jammer out, so they use their momentum to fall in front of the jammer and try to break her ankle by wrapping their legs around it. Not a good feeling for the jammer. Referees should call a low block or tripping, but good luck with that.

After recently conversing with a couple of other skaters about whether or not a backwards whip could be used effectively in an actual jam, I pulled one off last night. I threw an off-balance block, went into an eagle, and decided to just turn around and face my jammer who I knew was right behind me. I had two teammates ahead of me in the pack, so I knew I could give my jammer a whip and she would be protected from the one opposing blocker that was ahead of us. I reached out for her, and she grabbed my hand and propelled herself around the rest of the pack. Now that's a good feeling for a blocker. Wasn't 100%, but it got the job done.

Can't wait to show Pikes Peak how Houston rolls on February 9, 2008.

I Don't Deserve It

Houston Roller Derby honored its best and brightest of the 2007 season this past Sunday. All of the winners except one were completely deserving of their awards. One of the winners sat out almost half the season. One of the winners did not even do her best work once she came back. It took a couple of months for her to honestly feel like she was positively contributing. By that time, her team was praying for just one win and a third place finish. Yes, that "winner" is Catazon, the Burlesque Brawler's Best Blocker of 2007.

That made my whole freakin' year right there! First, I must give special thanks to my teammates for all their support this year, and to the rest of the league for believing in me. Also, thanks to a friend who gave me some extra encouragement and now makes me cry by bringing it up at emotional moments. Second, I apologize to anyone I offended after I started celebrating. I don't remember everything I did, but I know I'm very sorry for dancing inappropriately, singing off-key, indecently exposing myself, making unfounded accusations, and generally being the obnoxious drunk that I so perfectly can be. Damn, that was fun! Now on to the next excuse...

(The following picture was in the comments before I moved my blog, hence the last comment, but you can't do that on Blogger. Try not to judge me too harshly.)

I Thought It Would Never End

The 2007 HRD season is finally over. The Psych Ward Sirens (4-1) repeated as champions even though the Bayou City Bosses (4-1) were undefeated going into the final bout, and surprise, surprise...the Burlesque Brawlers (1-4) stole third place from the Machete Betties (1-4).

I tried to keep the Brawlers from winning with some crazy antics in the first half of the bout, including first getting called for a major on a 20-foot violation when I was simply standing next to a Bettie and then assuming I was lead jammer when I came out of the pack ahead of the Betties' jammer instead of confirming it by looking at my assigned ref. It's not good when your jammer goes to the box, but it can be funny if your jammer just put the opposing jammer in the front row. After all that, the Brawlers were down by only nine at halftime, and I realized I better get my act together in the second half. Thank God the rest of the Brawlers were there to play instead of put on a show. So I toned down the hissing and scratching and scored ten points in one jam (lapped their jammer twice), then nine points in my next jam (only got her once that time). The rest of my girls kept their heads in the game, too. With thirty seconds to go, we were ahead by three, just starting the last jam, and knew that not even the best jammer in the league could score in that time frame. It was so beautiful, I cried. And cried. And cried. Then I cried some more, because I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. and it was 2:30 a.m.

I'm starting to get over this crazy derby season and look ahead (keep watching for major announcements), though things like this make it fun to look back:

Que 'The Lone Ranger' Theme music

Fiery quads with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a
hearty, "Hi Ho Catazon!" The big cat is back! "Hi Ho Catazon,
away!" With her faithful team, the Burlesque Brawlers, the daring
and resourceful catlike skater of the flat track led the fight
against a winless season in HRD. Last night she returned to us those
thrilling days of yesteryear. Catazon skates again!

It was great seeing Catazon skate again with her fire and passion! I
credit Catazon with introducing me to HRD. ~ Dirty Sanchez

Thank you to everyone that encouraged me and the Brawlers to keep going. Thank you, Brawlers, for a season that ended much better than it began. Although it was looking scary there for a couple of weeks, we pulled it together in crunch time. Proud to be purple, always and forever.

I Sway Towards Pessimism

In the last jam of the Brawler/Siren bout on Sunday, I remarked to a teammate that we did exactly what we didn't want to do...let the Sirens score the most points on us this season. She replied, "But this is the most points we've scored yet." True.

I've spent a lot of time this season looking at the dark side of things. Somebody has to, I'm good at it, and as co-captain and former bench-warmer, why shouldn't it be me? Sunday's bout gave me a lot of reasons to look at the bright side, though.

We did score 104 points, almost more than we had scored in our first two bouts put together. I haven't seen jammer stats yet, but I know I had a 7-point jam to help with that. The Beast is back! Our blocker stats improved across the board. Sinister Sista had a particularly impressive showing, including a beautiful jammer-take-out on Dementia that has somehow ended up on YouTube. One of the Sirens put me into the front row, and even though that's not a bright side for me or the girl I landed on, it is a bright side for the league because it didn't happen much last year. We are all improving!

So I promise to keep a positive spin on the Brawler's 0-3 season, and look toward the playoffs in August with all the optimism I can stomach. Congrats to the Bosses going 3-0! If we stick with the seeded tournament for playoffs like the league has discussed, the Bosses get the privilege of taking on the new and improved Brawlers.

What Are You Hiding Under Your Sk*rt?

Last year, I enjoyed an extraordinary season with the Burlesque Brawlers of the Houston Roller Derby. Sometimes I would jam back-to-back and get lead jammer both times. Sometimes I would send the opposing jammer into the crowd and skate away. Sometimes my eyes would glow, and girls would just fall down. Well, that last one might be an exaggeration...

When I was excited about my performance, I would share my excitement with the crowd by showing them what I was hiding under my skirt.

Ah, yes...the Meow Butt. It became something so much more than a cheeky gimmick. Wasn't long before the announcers would start calling it out before I could even flash it. Many people made me smile through my injuries by just saying, "Meowch!" Really, I just hope I inspired others to quit taking themselves so seriously, because God knows I started having a lot more fun when I learned how to laugh at myself.

Why am I sharing this today? This was posted as a way to promote a new website called sk*rt. I can win a bunch of cool stuff if you go over there and vote for me. You can do a revealing post, too, and I'll vote for you!

HaRD Knocks in the House

We certainly showed up for the Big Top Brawl. The "unofficial" score posted by super fan, Phil, at yahoo group RollerDerbyIsSport was HaRD Knocks 197, Las Tejanas 79. I trust Phil's powers of observation, so I feel comfortable posting it on my recap. Although I didn't put any of those points on the scoreboard since I'm not ready to jam yet, I'd like to think I helped a little bit. I had a hard time chasing down their fastest jammer, Tonya Hurting, and I had a hard time taking anybody off their feet. So I'm not going to deny that I wasn't 100% ready for this bout, yet I'm not totally disappointed in my performance either. In one particularly ferocious jam, I was able to keep their jammer outside the lines for a couple of laps. The opposing blockers found it so difficult to take me off my feet that they used double-teaming tactics to do it in the second half. When it was all said and done, it felt extremely good to win again, even if the win had to be that ugly.

Also, I'm more than proud of our Knockouts, the second HRD team that was put together to play Austin's Honky Tonk Heartbreakers. They played a nailbiter and came out ahead, 92-82. Just take my word for it that this is a huge accomplishment...way to go, Knockouts!

See what?

I called lineups for the Burlesque Brawlers Sunday night. Sure, it sounds easy. You have up to two minutes to tell five women what position they are playing in the next jam. No problem. Then one of your jammers complains about a knee injury, then another is slammed into the bench and comes up with a huge welt on her shoulder, then another skated almost the entire track out-of-bounds (still getting hit while she was out there) and wants to give up (rightly so), and suddenly, you can throw all your carefully-planned lineups in the trash.

I can't write a recap of the Brawlers vs. Betties, because I spent most of my time with my back to the rink, asking my team who could skate in the next jam. I did see one of our veterans, Wreckhell Welch, get in a fight with Beverly Kills at the end of the first half. I did see some out-of-bounds hits, only because they happened in front of the bench and had me scooting away from the sideline. I did see our blockers get blindsided more than once due to their continued habit of focusing on one opponent and not seeing the whole floor. I was not able to count points, see how each ref was calling the game, watch the other team's strengths and weaknesses, and other observant things I'm able to do while skating. I planned on watching the video to come up with a good recap, but I'm tired of thinking about it.

The bottom line is the Brawlers lost 162-57, and I have to come up with a way to narrow that gap before we play the Bosse$ in May. My return to the rink would help, but that is still not an option. As I previously mentioned, the Bosse$ beat the Sirens, 90-79. If I had to rank HRD's teams on their ability to kick someone's ass on any given day, it would go like this: Bosse$, Sirens, Betties, Brawlers. In my opinion, even though the Betties did such a fine job of preparing us for how it rolls in HRD (some of you might know that's an inside joke), it's going to be even tougher on the Brawlers in May.

Slowly but Surely...

Derby started back up a couple of weeks ago, and I have skated every practice. It's a good thing I broke my left ankle, because I can't skate clockwise. All that hardware must be a little too rigid for me to catch that edge. No problems going the right way, though...just need to build that endurance back up.

Plans are to avoid contact as long as the hardware is still in, but Sunday night, I picked on one of our referees and almost knocked him off the rink with a solid shoulder check. I couldn't help it...he was coming out of the corner without crossing over and getting in my way...my body aches to hit something. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to contain it. June is so far away.

Random Things

Creeping Beauty tagged me, so here's 10 random things about me. I'm going to stick with the facts instead of my idiosyncrasies...

1. I detest my current job, yet my library continually has the highest scores of any department for student satisfaction with services. I guess I'm pretty good at faking it.

2. I have worked in many different types of libraries, but never a public library. Thank God!

3. If I had to choose between being a rodeo volunteer and playing derby and choosing one would mean losing the other for life, then I would choose rodeo.

4. I would have tried out for banked track derby in Austin when I finished playing football if I had not gotten pregnant. And I was living in Houston at the time.

5. I played tight end for a full season but only caught 2 passes because my skinny ass was too busy filling in as right tackle for the fat linewomen that couldn't move their feet fast enough to block.

6. I completed an application for Survivor in 2001 and never sent it in because I tore my ACL. One of these days, I WILL BE on a reality show (ok, that might never be a FACT...whatever).

7. I served 417 people at my wedding. I'm talking about plates of food, you pervs.

8. I dated a guy that was shorter than me for way too long.

9. I skated in a department store commercial when I was around 10 (along with my sister).

10. My grandparents had a vacation home in Pagosa Springs, Colorado, so for several wonderful years of my young life, my family skied for Thanksgiving and Spring Break. Oh how I miss that!

I'm not tagging anyone specifically, but if you feel like doing this, go right ahead and return the favor of a few seconds of amusement.

Unexpected News

Here's something Catazon didn't expect to hear today: "You can put skates on."

Yes, the doctor told me I can feel the skates out whenever I'm ready.  Very convenient now that Houston Roller Derby is on its off-season and skating outdoors.  I'm definitely not ready for that, so I'll probably have to stop by an adult skate one of these weeks. Maybe next Thursday?

I just got back...

from watching the Stars Across Texas tournament in Austin.  Houston Roller Derby's HaRD Knocks team did not do as well as expected, but at least we did not finish last.  I'm not even sure it would have been any different if I could have played.  Seeing your team lose like that makes you doubt your own skills, especially when the only skill you have right now is the ability to maneuver crutches without breaking the other ankle.  However, I'm in a much better mood in general, just because I was there!

MySpace post on the same topic:
I'm not a total invalid!
I got to go watch the HaRD Knocks play in Austin. I seriously didn't think I would make it, but I actually got some semi-decent sleep and felt much better Sunday morning than Saturday morning. Unfortunately, HRD came in third, but some up-and-coming skaters got some good experience out there. They made me proud to be a part of HRD.

No Place Like Home

If you are living under a rock and haven't heard that Catazon broke her ankle at Houston Roller Derby's Sixth Bout, then here's your news fix. Now that I finally got my PC moved to the living room and I can lounge in my recliner and type in my lap, I can personally share the whole story.

I am awaiting surgery to repair the compound fracture in my left ankle. In the ninth jam of the sixth bout of the season Sunday night, I got stuck on the rope lights while trying to cut inside to avoid a block. I would have avoided that block if I hadn't felt something funny and looked down to see my foot going one way and my ankle bones going the other. At the time, I thought well, hey, they can just pop that back in place like I did with my pinky finger when I was playing football and an errant pass dislocated it. We just popped it back in, taped it, and I kept on playing. Have I ever mentioned that I'm one of those people that doesn't even need alcohol to feel like I'm ten-foot-tall and bulletproof? Anyway, I figured out real quick that that wasn't what was going to happen when I looked to my right and saw the faces of the people sitting on the sidelines. So I just fell back, picked up my leg, and pointed at it so the paramedics could see what we were dealing with.

About twenty minutes later, I was about to take my first ambulance ride ever. On the way out on the stretcher, I have never heard so many cheers in my life. I commented that this was better than winning, because when I win, I get booed. Then it started to hurt, and it wasn't much fun after that. I stayed in the ER until 5:00 a.m., where they tried to set it four times and then told me I couldn't go home until I had surgery. I waited until Wednesday for surgery, when they told me that they couldn't operate because I had an oozing abrasion and they didn't want to risk infection. I told them to get me home somehow so they attached an external fixator to my leg on Thursday, and I escaped that night. My original surgeon told me on Friday that he didn't want to see me again until next Friday, so I called another surgeon. He'll see me on Monday and will hopefully operate soon after that. See, I'm trying to get to Austin on September 3rd to join the travel team that I was supposed to captain in my first inter-league bout. My determination is one of my greatest strengths, and a foot that flops around at the bottom of my leg does not abate it.

The one thing that everyone asks is whether or not I will skate on it again. I have no doubt that I will be able to skate again, but whether I want to or not is the question. I never planned to skate more than one year. A FULL YEAR, and travel at least once. Those goals were not achieved, and neither was the goal of not affecting my family in an adverse way. Do I ever want to put them through something like this again? This story is just beginning, so stay tuned over the next couple of months...

You Take the Good with the Bad

Even though The Kitten stayed home sick today and I have to cover for my evening librarian tonight (which means working over twelve hours), I impressed the socks off two potential employers. My phone interview resulted in an invitation for a face-to-face interview only four hours after we hung up. Then I got the news from my headhunter that my afternoon interviewers were interested but had some additional questions. I've made so many career mistakes already this year that I'm getting a little leery of making another, but I'm also slightly desperate to get off a sinking ship.

I Almost Lost the Game!

The scene is the next-to-last jam in the second meeting of the Burlesque Brawlers and the Bayou City Bosses. Catazon is jamming. The details are a little fuzzy so I can't remember what actually ended the jam, but I clearly recall that neither jammer scored any points. (I pride myself in being able to see everything that is happening on the floor when I am in a jam.) I line up to jam again. I did this a lot which should explain why details are fuzzy. The Brawlers were ahead going into the next-to-last jam so once I snag lead jammer, I'm thinking I'm out for a nice 40-second stroll.

WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE!

The scoreboard says the Bosses are ahead by three! I now have 20 seconds left to score four points! Where the hell are my jet-powered skates when I need them? The crowd is starting to count it down...I pass one Boss, then another. They don't even touch me. Where the hell is the Boss jammer? I don't know and I don't have time to find her, because Felanie is right in front of me and I have two seconds to pass her. Why doesn't someone hit her? 1...I look at the refs on the other side of Felanie...I think I did it! I can't watch...I'm going to collapse here on my knees and pray a minute. I think I must have passed their jammer, too, because it looked like Hell Bent held up four fingers. Why am I starting to cry? Did I blow or did I win it? I can't take the pressure! I hear cheering for the Bosses. How the hell did they score points when I didn't even see their jammer?

Now I'm definitely not crying, I'm throwing my helmet down in front of the whole ref team and screaming about how there's no possible way the Bosses scored any points. I don't even care that we lost, I just want them to quit having all these scoring problems. Get out of my face, Nic Ref Phobia! What, what? Oh, the score was wrong? The Brawlers won!?!?!?!? Sorry, Nic! Sorry, Ben! My team!!! No, don't pick me up! You'll hurt yourselves. They did it...they picked me up! What a sight that must be.

Flash forward. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My first three fingers on my left hand were skated over after a bone-crushing hit by Scarilyn. I wish she was blocking for me on the travel team. My ankles are sore from trying to side-step Pushy all night long. She might be the best pivot in the league.

Looks like the Brawlers will be in the Championship Game!

Bad Week

First, my boss resigned, or was more likely forced to resign.

Then, our office manager informed us that there is no paper in the building and there won't be any until Friday, leaving me to deal with a couple of hundred angry students that pay way too much to go to this school to have to worry about not being able to print their presentation that is due in ten minutes.

Next, I found out that my best friend not only had to put one of her dogs out of misery this week, but two.

So I show up at derby practice Wednesday night expecting to relieve some stress and ended up creating more. While working on blocking skills with one of my teammates, my big boat feet tripped her up, and she came down hard on her knee. It really did not sound or look good, and I've been there before. Did I mention that this is one of our best skaters? We CANNOT lose her before the biggest game of the season. Not wanting to do any further damage, I refrain from engaging anyone else until our head trainer decides he wants a shot at me. I'd usually give him a run for his money, but he took me out this time. Oh, I will remember that.

It's only Thursday...what will happen next?