A Well-Rounded Derby Girl

This morning, the knot that is still on my lower right leg almost two weeks after my first banked-track bout reminded me that I haven't shared my latest adventure in my derby life with my neglected blog. Today, I have absolutely no work to do and, since I'm losing my current job in the near future, no motivation to make up work to do. So here's the story about how a well-rounded woman became a well-rounded derby girl.

A couple of weeks ago, South Side Roller Derby began looking for skaters, flat-track or banked-track, to participate in an impromptu bout in an effort to keep from losing their venue. Even though I'm extremely out of shape and not getting any younger, I still try to maintain my free agent status by making a showing in any pick-up bout within a 300 mile radius, so naturally I jumped at the chance to try the real thing. I mean, what else put the dream in my heart if it wasn't old-school, no-holds-barred, banked-track roller derby? How could I pass this up?

South Side welcomed me and one other flat-tracker with open arms. I had made the hour-long drive from my north-side house to the south-side track several months ago for an open practice, and the two of us were there early before the bout to keep from embarrassing ourselves in public. Still I knew this wasn't going to be pretty; I really had no idea how different it was until the first whistle blew. My husband took a couple of pictures on his phone before the game started and I lost any shred of remaining innocence. (If you have half a brain, you can figure out a Catazon literally stands head and shoulders above the rest of the girls.) I haven't been able to find any others, but that might be a good thing, as you will see...

The first half was pretty much a waste for me. I had one good jam where I was able to impede the jammer for at least half the distance of the track if not more, but other than that, I could not get the hang of the angles and the acceleration factors. They put me the jammer star on me close to the end of the half, and I kept getting swallowed up by the pack every time I thought I was out. Damn those angles.

The second half, I was in every pack with one of my team's best skaters, Mojo, and she took me under her wing. We lined up next to each other in every jam, and she encouraged me to do the things I wasn't used to doing after playing by stringent flat-track rules for five years, such as swimming through the pack. I was starting to get pretty good at that, until I tried to take out a pole after getting a hip check to the inside. That speed you pick up going to the inside of the track is such a rush! The knot on my leg happened in the second half also, because I ended up on the floor or on top of other skaters much more than in the first half when I was skating too tentatively. Hey, I could get used to this!

In the end, the pink team was victorious, with or without my bumbling assistance. South Side is having another pick-up bout this Saturday, but my family is trying to make a July 4th tradition with friends at a Galveston beach house (two years in a row is not a tradition yet, but we'll go for more if possible). I highly recommend trying the banked track if you are a skilled flat-tracker. I know "I'll be back" if they'll have me.

Diversionary Tactics

Last night, my family shared a very strange dinner. Since I had a meeting with Asia Pac at 8:30 p.m. and I usually don't get home until after 6:30 p.m., we had to find something quick to eat, especially after The Kitten threw a 15-minute fit because we weren't going to "Old Mcdonald's" or Willie's. We had decided on Mexican, and even though I don't like it, we went to the closest establishment of this type to our house.

First, we had to make somebody come take our order, and then he came back five minutes later and took it again. Not a good sign, but everything came out ok. I was almost done with my enchiladas when I saw something move in the corner of my eye, and before I could get my camera out to take a picture of the roach walking across the wall, the waiter came up and squashed it with a napkin. Okaaaay. You would have thought he could have comped our food for that, but no. While we were waiting an eternity for the check, I started hearing something that sounded like a real kitten. I kept looking around, but nobody else seemed to notice, and although my husband admitted to hearing the sound, he thought I was crazy for caring. Hello, I just shared dinner with a roach, and there is a kitten somewhere in this restaurant! Yeah, I'm crazy.

So, we never figured out where the kitten was, and we paid way too much for nausea from the unwanted dinner guests, but really I just told this story to take some of the spotlight off this interview I gave to a derby fan who posted today. Man, I'm good.

This Bout Recap is All Linky-Linky Like

Why should I write a recap when somebody's already done the play-by-play for me (and says my name many, many, like 60, times)?  Me likey linky.

And why should I post photos when there are a couple of sets out there with tons of lovely photos (of me); in one set we are introduced to a new guy who followed Acadiana down for the bout and took some excellent shots and in another we see the magnificent work of a photographer who I linked to in the last bout recap. More linkys me likey.

But I guess I could leave you with one of my favorites; a favorite for the simple fact that sometimes people will try anything to take me down, but they can never take me down as much as I can myself.

Friends with Skating Benefits

You would have thought I'd rush right out and post all the good news from last Saturday's bout, right? Well, better late than never.



My 25-point jam was described as "the biggest jam of the night." Woohoo! (That's not a picture of the jam above, but that one was fun too!)



This is also a favorite pic...besides the fact that my right ass-cheek looks awesome, I'm skating next to an old derby friend, Crash McQueen of the East Texas Bombers. I really wish I could have made it to the afterparty to spend some quality time with her. And when I put Crash in the same sentence with quality and afterparty, you should know what I mean.

Crude City won by a blowout, but it was a fun bout between two leagues who respect each other. Wish they could all be like that.

Never Mind

Remember last week when I was all excited about my most recent bout? Yeah, never mind.

I skated in about five jams before I was ejected. Yep, that's me...the low block. That low block was actually a swift kick to a skate. Just what you'd expect from a mature, experienced skater.

Instead of going into the history of me and my former league (which is already documented here), I'm going to delve into the ancient history of me and my uncontrolled emotions. It all started when I was called into the office in fifth grade for laughing at a classmate during a school program. Yes, my class was on stage in front of the entire student body and parents, and I laughed out loud when somebody forgot their lines. Mostly because I knew everybody's lines. I was a smartass punk when I was ten. Anyway, our principal caught me afterwards, told me to come see him in the morning, and spent what seemed like an eternity explaining how I should learn to control my emotions. Either that was too much for a fifth-grader to comprehend or I've spent the past thirty years rebelling against that first trip to the principal's office.

In high school, my emotions often got the better of me on the basketball court. I can't tell you the number of times I was ejected from games from technical fouls. I remember most clearly throwing the ball directly into the stomach of an opponent because I was tired of her rubbing her flab all over me. I mean, really, that's just disgusting. When you enter my egotistical world in such a fashion, you get what you deserve.

Surprisingly, there weren't any outbursts during my tackle football stint. Maybe I didn't feel as noticable. I wasn't the smartest or the fastest or the best rebounder or the best blocker. I didn't stand a foot taller than everyone, for the most part. When I go unnoticed, it's easy for me to stay that way. When I stand out like a sore thumb, it gets a little dicey.

So as you can imagine, my derby career has been one lesson after another in controlling my emotions...lessons I usually fail. I don't regret anything, and I don't see any reason to apologize for being myself. I do wish I wouldn't have let my team down, but I have a few more chances to redeem myself this season before I decide to move on yet again. Maybe I was born in the wrong roller derby era, and my heart really belongs to the spectacle it was thirty years ago instead of the sport it's trying to be now. Does anybody know where I can get involved in that? ;) Yeah, never mind.

Life is Good!

A year ago, I was flat broke. I had just injured my bad knee during WFTDA Regionals, I was emotionally spent from a year of being disrespected, and I had spent all my money trying to force an extracurricular activity into a sport.

This year, my body feels great (even if it's overweight), I can hold a conversation without yelling or being yelled at (mostly), and I just booked a real family vacation. And by real, I mean we are taking The Kitten to see and play in real snow for the first time, not just squeezing in a day's visit to an amusement park because Mommy's too busy acting like a bad-ass.

It's funny how everything works out for the best (even though I'm still a bad-ass).

Please Pardon the Interruption...

As previously explained, I took a brief break from reality this past weekend. I claimed to be "helping out" my Brawlers as they played one of the best roller derby teams in Texas. Once I saw the proof of it, I realized what I really did was stand around and make funny faces as well as be distracted by my reality. Yes, I'm waving to The Kitten, and yes, there seem to be a million pics of me standing around. Sometimes I prayed (see the blurry score behind me..the number not in double digits is ours). Sometimes I did look a bit like my old self (you can see my butt that sent that jammer flying). Mostly I had fun even though I felt (and still feel) pain.

I was reminded of some of the reasons I quit. My husband having to drag my daughter away from me, kicking and screaming because she wanted to stay and have fun. Being put in the penalty box for two things that I know I didn't do and not even getting a minor for blatantly (although not purposely) tripping the jammer. (Don't get me wrong on this...I respect the refs, but I think we've made their job next to impossible.) Knowing that no matter how hard I try, it's not going to be enough for somebody, anybody.

What really brought me back to reality though is seeing for sure that all the weight I lost while on the cardio program is back. I can't wait to get in that leopard-print tankini I ordered! Meow!

The Cat is Back!

That's right! The big purple cat will be making an appearance on the flat track (if I don't kill myself trying to get ready for the bout next weekend). With some skaters out with injuries and some skaters just returning from injuries, my team needs a little bit of help in dealing with a bad-ass team from Austin.

Soooo...if you sat around for three years talking about how you were going to see me skate one of these days, now is your chance...probably your last chance. I can't guarantee it will be pretty, but who really wants derby to be pretty anyway?

I Just Thought I Was an Amazon

This is a true Amazon! The thing is she SHOULD be able to dunk and rack up the triple-doubles...she's a foot taller than most other girls. What is truly impressive is, from the looks of the video, she knows how to assist as well. I remember I had a real problem giving up the ball whenever I touched it. Imagine that. I had to work on my triple-doubles in points, rebounds, and blocks, and I was only a half a foot taller than most other girls.

Merry Christmas!

Purple Cat Ornament

Originally uploaded by Catazon.

I'm not going to post about my health program for the next two weeks...I don't have to meet with my mentor until January anyway. I'm going to try to maintain during that time, although I'm not doing so well already. I'm going to have a merry Christmas regardless.

LOLCATazon

You might have noticed a new link on Catazonia. (Yeah right, nobody reads this blog regularly.) I have finally gathered the LOLCATazons that I have created over the past year or so. (Oh yay, she's perpetuating a tired, old meme.) Some you may have seen here before; some have been floating around in other areas of the interwebs. (And your Myspace page sucks, too.) Enjoy! (Meh.)

LOLlergirls...

or I Can Haz Lead Jammer? or whatever you want to call it...I make the best!


















The original LOLCat, in more ways than one but with tons of derby style. Thanks to Kerry McClain for the prettiest derby pics ever and LolCat Builder for making it easy to be witty.

Am I Right, or Am I Right?

I still may have overreacted, but still...


Oh, and it doesn't stop there...


At that point, it looks like I warned her, but then on second thought, here comes those free lessons in destructive criticism...

I Could Be a Roadside Attraction

I am utterly appalled that Texas has only one huge being in the Gallery of Huge Beings. I know there has got to be more than one, although you couldn't ask for a finer specimen! This is Texas, dammit, and everything's bigger in Texas. At the very least, somebody should let those huge-being lovers in Minnesota know that.

This is What I Expect

I expect everyone around me to work as hard as I do.

I expect those who have messed up to not be offended when someone calls you out on it.

I expect nobody to expect an apology when I know I'm right.

I expect there are people out there who hate me because of my expectations.

I expect I don't care.

The Camera is NOT My Friend!

If there was ever any question about whether or not I am truly an Amazon, this video should answer it.



Yep, I'm huge, and I can't say it's all camera angles. I also apologize for the rambling, but I'm much better at playing the strong, silent type.

What Are You Hiding Under Your Sk*rt?

Last year, I enjoyed an extraordinary season with the Burlesque Brawlers of the Houston Roller Derby. Sometimes I would jam back-to-back and get lead jammer both times. Sometimes I would send the opposing jammer into the crowd and skate away. Sometimes my eyes would glow, and girls would just fall down. Well, that last one might be an exaggeration...

When I was excited about my performance, I would share my excitement with the crowd by showing them what I was hiding under my skirt.

Ah, yes...the Meow Butt. It became something so much more than a cheeky gimmick. Wasn't long before the announcers would start calling it out before I could even flash it. Many people made me smile through my injuries by just saying, "Meowch!" Really, I just hope I inspired others to quit taking themselves so seriously, because God knows I started having a lot more fun when I learned how to laugh at myself.

Why am I sharing this today? This was posted as a way to promote a new website called sk*rt. I can win a bunch of cool stuff if you go over there and vote for me. You can do a revealing post, too, and I'll vote for you!

Still worrying about a Halloween costume...

but I think I'm close to making up my mind. Way back when, I thought the Naughty Librarian would be cute

but then if I wanted to be cute, maybe I should do the cat thing

since I might have to abandon that whole persona in the near future.
Then I saw this
and I thought it would be nice to give a shout-out to some special people who carried my lame ass off the court, field, floor, etc., more than once and most especially the last time.

Nobody Ever Accused Me of Being Ladylike

Here's what I think of good sportmanship...



Yes, that's a joke.

Tall Women

Someone dugg the tallest woman in Asia. In the comments, I found a link to tallwomen.org, which looks to be not only a comprehensive listing of famous tall women but also a great resource of retailers that cater to tall women. This is somewhat coincidental because just yesterday, I was going to post a rant on suffering through shoe shopping when you wear a 10-1/2. Yes, someday when Catazon is a superstar, you will see her name on tallwomen.org. I didn't get that name for nothing, you know.