Merry Christmas!

Photo by SmoPho on Flickr.

That is if your version of a merry Christmas starts with an elbow in your crotch.

I tried to find a more flattering picture of myself from the San Antonio Roller Derby mashup bout I skated in last Sunday, but the only thing I found was that I need to lose about 30 pounds before March.  Boobies!

So Merry Christmas, indeed!

A Well-Rounded Derby Girl

This morning, the knot that is still on my lower right leg almost two weeks after my first banked-track bout reminded me that I haven't shared my latest adventure in my derby life with my neglected blog. Today, I have absolutely no work to do and, since I'm losing my current job in the near future, no motivation to make up work to do. So here's the story about how a well-rounded woman became a well-rounded derby girl.

A couple of weeks ago, South Side Roller Derby began looking for skaters, flat-track or banked-track, to participate in an impromptu bout in an effort to keep from losing their venue. Even though I'm extremely out of shape and not getting any younger, I still try to maintain my free agent status by making a showing in any pick-up bout within a 300 mile radius, so naturally I jumped at the chance to try the real thing. I mean, what else put the dream in my heart if it wasn't old-school, no-holds-barred, banked-track roller derby? How could I pass this up?

South Side welcomed me and one other flat-tracker with open arms. I had made the hour-long drive from my north-side house to the south-side track several months ago for an open practice, and the two of us were there early before the bout to keep from embarrassing ourselves in public. Still I knew this wasn't going to be pretty; I really had no idea how different it was until the first whistle blew. My husband took a couple of pictures on his phone before the game started and I lost any shred of remaining innocence. (If you have half a brain, you can figure out a Catazon literally stands head and shoulders above the rest of the girls.) I haven't been able to find any others, but that might be a good thing, as you will see...

The first half was pretty much a waste for me. I had one good jam where I was able to impede the jammer for at least half the distance of the track if not more, but other than that, I could not get the hang of the angles and the acceleration factors. They put me the jammer star on me close to the end of the half, and I kept getting swallowed up by the pack every time I thought I was out. Damn those angles.

The second half, I was in every pack with one of my team's best skaters, Mojo, and she took me under her wing. We lined up next to each other in every jam, and she encouraged me to do the things I wasn't used to doing after playing by stringent flat-track rules for five years, such as swimming through the pack. I was starting to get pretty good at that, until I tried to take out a pole after getting a hip check to the inside. That speed you pick up going to the inside of the track is such a rush! The knot on my leg happened in the second half also, because I ended up on the floor or on top of other skaters much more than in the first half when I was skating too tentatively. Hey, I could get used to this!

In the end, the pink team was victorious, with or without my bumbling assistance. South Side is having another pick-up bout this Saturday, but my family is trying to make a July 4th tradition with friends at a Galveston beach house (two years in a row is not a tradition yet, but we'll go for more if possible). I highly recommend trying the banked track if you are a skilled flat-tracker. I know "I'll be back" if they'll have me.

This Bout Recap is All Linky-Linky Like

Why should I write a recap when somebody's already done the play-by-play for me (and says my name many, many, like 60, times)?  Me likey linky.

And why should I post photos when there are a couple of sets out there with tons of lovely photos (of me); in one set we are introduced to a new guy who followed Acadiana down for the bout and took some excellent shots and in another we see the magnificent work of a photographer who I linked to in the last bout recap. More linkys me likey.

But I guess I could leave you with one of my favorites; a favorite for the simple fact that sometimes people will try anything to take me down, but they can never take me down as much as I can myself.

Friends with Skating Benefits

You would have thought I'd rush right out and post all the good news from last Saturday's bout, right? Well, better late than never.



My 25-point jam was described as "the biggest jam of the night." Woohoo! (That's not a picture of the jam above, but that one was fun too!)



This is also a favorite pic...besides the fact that my right ass-cheek looks awesome, I'm skating next to an old derby friend, Crash McQueen of the East Texas Bombers. I really wish I could have made it to the afterparty to spend some quality time with her. And when I put Crash in the same sentence with quality and afterparty, you should know what I mean.

Crude City won by a blowout, but it was a fun bout between two leagues who respect each other. Wish they could all be like that.

Never Mind

Remember last week when I was all excited about my most recent bout? Yeah, never mind.

I skated in about five jams before I was ejected. Yep, that's me...the low block. That low block was actually a swift kick to a skate. Just what you'd expect from a mature, experienced skater.

Instead of going into the history of me and my former league (which is already documented here), I'm going to delve into the ancient history of me and my uncontrolled emotions. It all started when I was called into the office in fifth grade for laughing at a classmate during a school program. Yes, my class was on stage in front of the entire student body and parents, and I laughed out loud when somebody forgot their lines. Mostly because I knew everybody's lines. I was a smartass punk when I was ten. Anyway, our principal caught me afterwards, told me to come see him in the morning, and spent what seemed like an eternity explaining how I should learn to control my emotions. Either that was too much for a fifth-grader to comprehend or I've spent the past thirty years rebelling against that first trip to the principal's office.

In high school, my emotions often got the better of me on the basketball court. I can't tell you the number of times I was ejected from games from technical fouls. I remember most clearly throwing the ball directly into the stomach of an opponent because I was tired of her rubbing her flab all over me. I mean, really, that's just disgusting. When you enter my egotistical world in such a fashion, you get what you deserve.

Surprisingly, there weren't any outbursts during my tackle football stint. Maybe I didn't feel as noticable. I wasn't the smartest or the fastest or the best rebounder or the best blocker. I didn't stand a foot taller than everyone, for the most part. When I go unnoticed, it's easy for me to stay that way. When I stand out like a sore thumb, it gets a little dicey.

So as you can imagine, my derby career has been one lesson after another in controlling my emotions...lessons I usually fail. I don't regret anything, and I don't see any reason to apologize for being myself. I do wish I wouldn't have let my team down, but I have a few more chances to redeem myself this season before I decide to move on yet again. Maybe I was born in the wrong roller derby era, and my heart really belongs to the spectacle it was thirty years ago instead of the sport it's trying to be now. Does anybody know where I can get involved in that? ;) Yeah, never mind.

April Madness Continues...

Last weekend, I skated with Crude City. This bout held some significance in the fact that it was only the second time my parents have seen me skate in the five years that I've been derbying. My mom's favorite hobby nowadays is photography, which is a good thing because her pics are the only ones I have of the bout. (That's a little different from when I was skating with HRD, and captures of my crazed expressions were a dime a dozen.)



BTW, we won by like 150 points or something like that. I promised myself not to get caught up in that this time; I'm just doing it because I can, not because I'm trying to prove anything. Although it was nice to have two 18-point jams in one night. ;)

Tonight, I'm starting on my first celebratory weekend. It won't be as good as last year's first weekend, but I get to see one of my favorite bands with my favorite sister (okay, my one and only sister, but she's bad-ass like me). Then, tomorrow night, I get to scout out the team I'll be skating against next month.

Good friends, good music, good hits for bad bitches....awww yeah!

Please Pardon the Interruption...

As previously explained, I took a brief break from reality this past weekend. I claimed to be "helping out" my Brawlers as they played one of the best roller derby teams in Texas. Once I saw the proof of it, I realized what I really did was stand around and make funny faces as well as be distracted by my reality. Yes, I'm waving to The Kitten, and yes, there seem to be a million pics of me standing around. Sometimes I prayed (see the blurry score behind me..the number not in double digits is ours). Sometimes I did look a bit like my old self (you can see my butt that sent that jammer flying). Mostly I had fun even though I felt (and still feel) pain.

I was reminded of some of the reasons I quit. My husband having to drag my daughter away from me, kicking and screaming because she wanted to stay and have fun. Being put in the penalty box for two things that I know I didn't do and not even getting a minor for blatantly (although not purposely) tripping the jammer. (Don't get me wrong on this...I respect the refs, but I think we've made their job next to impossible.) Knowing that no matter how hard I try, it's not going to be enough for somebody, anybody.

What really brought me back to reality though is seeing for sure that all the weight I lost while on the cardio program is back. I can't wait to get in that leopard-print tankini I ordered! Meow!

Am I Right, or Am I Right?

I still may have overreacted, but still...


Oh, and it doesn't stop there...


At that point, it looks like I warned her, but then on second thought, here comes those free lessons in destructive criticism...

Free Lessons in Destructive Criticism

I was waiting for a picture of me, with glowing eyes, actually jumping on the back of a poor, innocent opposing skater, but Death By Chocolate commented me with this lolcat gem that just hit the spot:



I was ejected from the Brawlers' amazing victory over ACRD's Bombshell Brigade for fighting. I decided to take matters into my own hands when one of their skaters decided to block me with an elbow from out of bounds completely around the rink. Maybe constructive feedback would have stopped at jumping on her back, but I guess the stressful week of derby I had just lived through convinced me to take a few jabs at her face after ripping her helmet off. I crossed the line into destructive. At least my team didn't self-destruct.

Sunday night was a crowd-pleaser, and boy, did HRD need one. The home team worked on a slight blowout (Brawlers 123, Brigade 100), and the underdog won the second bout by one point (Betties 77, Sirens 76). The fans raved over the showmanship and the suspense. My ego loves it when the fans rave.

Then Monday morning comes bright and early as it always does after bout nights, and Sharon Stone couldn't have asked for a better example of karma. When your shower caddy falls and leaves a six-inch contusion on your calf muscle after your fist put a knot the size of a quarter on a derby girl's forehead...now that's karma. You should have seen what I did to that caddy. Beware of the Catazon, inanimate objects and sloppy skaters!

Happy Posts?

At the end of the highly controversial Brawlers vs. Betties bout last night, Elle McFierce exclaimed over how I would write a happy post today. That was right before I fell over from exhaustion.

It's not like I did anything to become exhausted. Except for one grand slam, an almost inefficient backwards whip given to Audiomind, and a fun little blocker takeout while jamming on Becky Booty, my performance was pretty much dismal. I wasn't expecting it to be much more than that after a couple of weeks of forced inactivity.

I also wasn't expecting the Brawlers to win, but we did. I really shouldn't admit that I don't have a lot of faith in my home team, but we all remember the tough year the Brawlers went through in 2007. 2008 was starting to look almost identical, but now we've won a game somewhat early in the season. I'm positive we can take another one if we all get and stay healthy. I still heart my Brawlers, even though the rest of my body is consumed with HaRD Knocks.

So I'm feeling alright today, even though I could barely walk last night. Then I get the bad news that I won't get a job interview I was pretty sure I would nail. That just boggles my mind, because I look great on paper, and I'm even better in person when I really, really want the job (and who wouldn't really, really want a job at a prestigious private school?). Damn. So I keep reminding myself it's probably better that I don't take a new job while my personal life is so stressful, even though I do have an interview with a major player in the oil & gas industry in a couple of weeks. Sweet.

Yeah, Elle, this post was a little bit happy, but a little bit bummed, too. I seriously need to get out of this funk before the summer gets outrageously busy with bouts, bouts, and more bouts on top of my obsession with finding the perfect job as well as getting a big girl ready for kindergarten. Oh, happy posts!

Find a Remedy

In 2008, the Brawlers are headed to the bottom of the barrel again. We've already lost to the two best teams in HRD. This Sunday, we were only down by eleven at halftime against the Bosse$, but we let them keep their same scoring pace in the second half while severely hampering our own. I guess by that time I had pretty much given up.

After a couple of jams when I couldn't get out of the pack, I started pointing the finger at my team and screaming about how they needed to step it up. After a couple of more jams that looked exactly the same, I started to turn the finger towards myself. I saw our win slipping further and further out of reach, and the rest of the team seemed to be utterly emotionless about it. I was getting more and more frustrated trying to figure out why.

Ever since I got stuck in a pack during the HaRD Knocks scrimmage against Rocky Mountain in February, I've been complaining about how I'm not the jammer I used to be. I've been making excuses about my worn-out skates, the fifteen pounds I can't lose, and the blocking ability of my team.

Then I saw it. A sign blinked at me from above: "Don't find fault; find a remedy."

Now me, I'm not much for inspirational mumbo-jumbo, but to see that sign the morning after I just lost another bout...hmmm. Maybe I need to quit telling myself and anyone listening that I'm not a jammer anymore and start doing the off-skate workouts I need to get my speed and agility back. Maybe I need to get serious about those fifteen pounds, and quit drinking those damn Cokes every morning and eating that whole bag of Flat Earth chips at one sitting. Maybe I need to make my teammates hit each other over and over and over again until they get as excited as I am.

Maybe one bag of chips a week?

Another Rodeo Plug

"God help us...not another post on the rodeo when she hasn't even told us about Sunday's bout!" I know that's what you're thinking, and I do apologize. I'm waiting to see tangible evidence before I continue ranting. And we lost...I hate talking about that.

Anyway, I get a lot of questions about what I do as a rodeo volunteer, and although this article doesn't tell you specifically what I do, it does give you a general idea of what it's like to be a rodeo volunteer. I'm halfway through my fifth year of volunteering, and I get to pay $5 for a pin that says so. Yeehaw.

Rocky Mountain High (and Low)

I skated in my very first away bout this Saturday and also dealt with the added pressure of captaining a team of all-stars. Not to mention the pressure in my ears from a lingering infection mixed with the altitude. Sound like a fun-filled weekend?
Pffft.

Our expectations were high coming into it. HaRD Knocks is an extremely talented team filled with the leading blockers and scorers from HRD. In the WFTDA-sanctioned bout against the Pikes Peak Derby Dames, we were up against a team with no previous interleague wins. HaRD Knocks has a few under our belt, so we felt strong. We believed we were more evenly matched with the team we scrimmaged against on Sunday, the Rocky Mountain Rollergirls. Boy, were we wrong.

I haven't felt very secure in my beliefs or my skills since halftime of the Pikes Peak bout. We were up by 20 and thought we were overcoming the difficulties of an old, slick skating surface, a crowd cheering like crazy for their home team, and a mostly inexperienced group of referees. Then we managed to score in only 5 out of 17 jams in the second half and ended up losing by 20. It actually should have been a closer gap, but the celebration had already started when we were scoring some points on the final jam. Please pardon my pettiness.

Sunday was even worse, performance-wise. We didn't wake up until the second half, and by then, the damage was done. Once we realized that it would be almost impossible to make up the deficit, it seemed like the pressure was off and we skated like I knew we could. Even though we lost by almost 40 points, it felt much closer and friendlier.

HaRD Knocks is still looking forward to a great season. We have a tough practice schedule before our next bout(s) in May. Even people we don't know think we have a chance.

I Thought It Would Never End

The 2007 HRD season is finally over. The Psych Ward Sirens (4-1) repeated as champions even though the Bayou City Bosses (4-1) were undefeated going into the final bout, and surprise, surprise...the Burlesque Brawlers (1-4) stole third place from the Machete Betties (1-4).

I tried to keep the Brawlers from winning with some crazy antics in the first half of the bout, including first getting called for a major on a 20-foot violation when I was simply standing next to a Bettie and then assuming I was lead jammer when I came out of the pack ahead of the Betties' jammer instead of confirming it by looking at my assigned ref. It's not good when your jammer goes to the box, but it can be funny if your jammer just put the opposing jammer in the front row. After all that, the Brawlers were down by only nine at halftime, and I realized I better get my act together in the second half. Thank God the rest of the Brawlers were there to play instead of put on a show. So I toned down the hissing and scratching and scored ten points in one jam (lapped their jammer twice), then nine points in my next jam (only got her once that time). The rest of my girls kept their heads in the game, too. With thirty seconds to go, we were ahead by three, just starting the last jam, and knew that not even the best jammer in the league could score in that time frame. It was so beautiful, I cried. And cried. And cried. Then I cried some more, because I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. and it was 2:30 a.m.

I'm starting to get over this crazy derby season and look ahead (keep watching for major announcements), though things like this make it fun to look back:

Que 'The Lone Ranger' Theme music

Fiery quads with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a
hearty, "Hi Ho Catazon!" The big cat is back! "Hi Ho Catazon,
away!" With her faithful team, the Burlesque Brawlers, the daring
and resourceful catlike skater of the flat track led the fight
against a winless season in HRD. Last night she returned to us those
thrilling days of yesteryear. Catazon skates again!

It was great seeing Catazon skate again with her fire and passion! I
credit Catazon with introducing me to HRD. ~ Dirty Sanchez

Thank you to everyone that encouraged me and the Brawlers to keep going. Thank you, Brawlers, for a season that ended much better than it began. Although it was looking scary there for a couple of weeks, we pulled it together in crunch time. Proud to be purple, always and forever.

The Brawlers Win It, The Brawlers Win It, OMG, The Brawlers Win It!

I'm stealing a quote from one of my favorite movies, replacing Indians with Brawlers. Gotta love the underdog. Although the title of this post should be more along the lines of "Boo-hoo-hoo." I'm still getting a little teary-eyed thinking of how my team brought, brung, branged, opened up a can of whoop-ass all over IT! What a night. I'll post details as soon as I get more sleep and can control my emotions more effectively.

Disappointments

Sometimes I wish I could be totally honest here. Actually, I wish I could be totally honest here all the time, but as a representative of the league, I must bite my tongue when I am tempted to share my humble opinions, even though there may be a couple of other people "sitting the bench" who would agree with my opinion of why Houston Roller Derby lost the championship game of the 2007 Governor's Cup. Since I can't be open and honest about league strategies, I'm going to focus on another disappointment that should be painfully obvious to everyone: attendance sucked!

I was expecting to skate in front of a couple of thousand people last night, from all over the state of Texas. I doubt we had half that number at the highest point. Why? Did we not market? We were lucky enough to be featured in the Chronicle's Preview last Thursday. Did people stay home to watch the Emmys? Use your DVR! Or football? If my husband missed a whole day of obsessively checking his fantasy stats and lived, then anybody can do it. Was $20 too much to pay to see five gangs of raving lunatics beat each other to bloody pulps? I know people pay more than that to watch UFC on pay-per-view. What are we doing wrong?

We, the skaters and a few die-hard fans, go on and on about this being a sport...well, real sports have spectators, and unless we get a steady number of paying customers for every bout, then roller derby, at least in Houston, will always be just a recreational activity. Now tell my beaten and bruised body that I'm just participating in a recreational activity...it might never forgive you.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, or The Brawlers' Losing Streak

After every game the Brawlers lose, someone out there says, "Brawlers will be the team to beat next year." After every game the Brawlers lose, I want to plug my ears for a few days so I don't go off on someone about how they have made it alright for the Brawlers to lose this year. Because to me, it's never alright to lose and it's never alright to make excuses.

I'm sure nobody knows this and I can't believe I'm going to divulge this, but I cry in my car on the way home from every bout. This past Sunday, my tears were also due to relief that I made it through the one-year anniversary of the worst injury of my life in one piece. I've been making excuses for not bringing my "A game" (as a fan called it), but I'm done. I'm going to shed my own personal self-fulfilling prophecy. I hope everyone joins me and stops making excuses because the Brawlers are rookies, the Brawlers are rebuilding, or the Brawlers are fan favorites (obviously that is just a downright misconception since there were only about 200 people left in the building for our second half).

So you might have been expecting more of a recap. Derby supporters and zealous fans have done a pretty good job of that elsewhere. The Brawlers will play the Betties in October for third place. I'm hoping to post a recap on a self-defeating prophecy.

I Sway Towards Pessimism

In the last jam of the Brawler/Siren bout on Sunday, I remarked to a teammate that we did exactly what we didn't want to do...let the Sirens score the most points on us this season. She replied, "But this is the most points we've scored yet." True.

I've spent a lot of time this season looking at the dark side of things. Somebody has to, I'm good at it, and as co-captain and former bench-warmer, why shouldn't it be me? Sunday's bout gave me a lot of reasons to look at the bright side, though.

We did score 104 points, almost more than we had scored in our first two bouts put together. I haven't seen jammer stats yet, but I know I had a 7-point jam to help with that. The Beast is back! Our blocker stats improved across the board. Sinister Sista had a particularly impressive showing, including a beautiful jammer-take-out on Dementia that has somehow ended up on YouTube. One of the Sirens put me into the front row, and even though that's not a bright side for me or the girl I landed on, it is a bright side for the league because it didn't happen much last year. We are all improving!

So I promise to keep a positive spin on the Brawler's 0-3 season, and look toward the playoffs in August with all the optimism I can stomach. Congrats to the Bosses going 3-0! If we stick with the seeded tournament for playoffs like the league has discussed, the Bosses get the privilege of taking on the new and improved Brawlers.

HaRD Knocks in the House

We certainly showed up for the Big Top Brawl. The "unofficial" score posted by super fan, Phil, at yahoo group RollerDerbyIsSport was HaRD Knocks 197, Las Tejanas 79. I trust Phil's powers of observation, so I feel comfortable posting it on my recap. Although I didn't put any of those points on the scoreboard since I'm not ready to jam yet, I'd like to think I helped a little bit. I had a hard time chasing down their fastest jammer, Tonya Hurting, and I had a hard time taking anybody off their feet. So I'm not going to deny that I wasn't 100% ready for this bout, yet I'm not totally disappointed in my performance either. In one particularly ferocious jam, I was able to keep their jammer outside the lines for a couple of laps. The opposing blockers found it so difficult to take me off my feet that they used double-teaming tactics to do it in the second half. When it was all said and done, it felt extremely good to win again, even if the win had to be that ugly.

Also, I'm more than proud of our Knockouts, the second HRD team that was put together to play Austin's Honky Tonk Heartbreakers. They played a nailbiter and came out ahead, 92-82. Just take my word for it that this is a huge accomplishment...way to go, Knockouts!

Mayhem Did Live Up to Its Name

The Brawlers lost again, 128-43. Now a lopsided bout really isn't that interesting, but the Brawlers added a little spice to it by picking a fight with the Bosse$ at the end of Sunday's bout. Our captain yelled at their captain something about how much they suck for kicking us when we are down, and about five seconds later, we were all going at it. About five minutes later, somebody asked me if it was real. What do you think? ;)

The other bout of the evening didn't need a bench-clearing brawl to keep the audience's attention. The Betties and Sirens were almost evenly-matched, with a Betties' jammer racking up 10+ points then the Sirens putting a dent in it with their own 10-point jam. In the end, the Sirens came out ahead, 137-116.

All HRD teams get a two-month break to regroup while the HaRD Knocks and a second HRD all-star team take on Alamo City and Austin's Honky Tonk Heartbreakers, respectively, for the Big Top Brawl in June.